Friday, March 24, 2006

I Have No Patience For Humans

Another reason I farm is I prefer working with animals rather than people. My goats listen and mind me better than most children. I am not cut out to be a human mother. People always say that it would change if I had my own children. Yeah, I'd change all right. I'd lose my mind and independence. This is why I have the utmost respect for GOOD parents. It is the hardest job in the world.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling annoyed. I went and ran for an hour and I felt better. I went to the grocery store after my run. When I was leaving the store, there was an old, drunk, toofless man in the parking lot watching two sparrows. I stopped to watch too. These sparrows were on the pavement fighting over a piece of bread. One sparrow was stronger and kicking the smaller sparrows ass, jumping on top of him and doing skull crusher moves. Old, drunk man yells at the top of his lungs "Them birds are having some SEX! I think that boy bird is stuck!" It was freaking hilarious. Everyone in the parking lot stopped to watch the kinky sparrows. They were not really having sex, I have over 100 birds. I know what bird sex looks like. For the next few hours, I'd bust out laughing thinking of toofless and bird sex.

I'm seriously thinking of starting to charge people to come to the farm. People want to bring their kids out here for tours and camp out. I don't get paid to do 2-3 hour tours and answer hundreds of questions. People are lazy, they want information handed to them. They don't want to go to the library or research raising animals on the internet. They can't even read the information sheet I give them about caring for young fowl. A woman that came out here last week wanted me to give her my soap recipes. She was thinking of raising goats and making soap too. I laughed and told her if I gave her a soap recipe, I'd have to kill her-it was top secret. It makes me angry because everything I have learned has come from hard work and studying. I have made costly mistakes, emotionally and financially. I was not raised on a farm. I knew nothing about animals when I started this, my Dad was a General in the Air Force. If you told me 10 years ago I'd be farming, I'd laugh in your face.

My worse nightmare family came to the farm two weeks ago to decide which breeds of chickens they wanted. They toured the farm for two hours. The parents, a 10 year old girl and twin 5 year old boys. The boys were totally out of control, chasing the birds around, throwing rocks and ripping limbs from trees. My male Doberman(Monty) is an 8 year old certified therapy dog. He likes to be outside when I am caring for the animals. The girl was petting Monty and he rolled over on his back to have his belly scratched. One of the evil twins comes over and starts slapping Monty's chest. Monty jumped up because it scared him. I asked the evil punk to stop hitting the dog. Then, he decides to jump on Monty like he's a horse. I'd had enough and decided to lock Monty inside. The Mom asked me why I was making the dog go in. I said I didn't want her son to get bit, Monty is old and doesn't like to be mauled. She said "Well, if he gets bit he deserves it." I thought, yeah lady, your kid does but I don't want to be sued. It didn't end there, they proceeded to get into the goose nest and mess around with the eggs. Then, they starting taking apart the chicken pens. I wonder what their house looks like.

I knew they were coming back yesterday, they were supposed to be here at 3:30pm to pick up the baby chicks. I was meeting some friends at 4:45 to go on a bike ride. They don't show up until 4:20, I'm pissed. They get out of the van and the Mom is toting a 35mm camera. No freaking way we are going to have another two hour farm tour with pictures today. I march my pissy butt outside and say "Sorry, we only have 10 min. I have a a bike ride." She looked all sad and disappointed. I lead them to the chick building so they can pick out their babies. They want me to take the brooding box and put it on the floor so evil twins can pick out chicks. I remove the heat lamp and place the box on the floor. I tell them they need to keep the door closed because baby chicks must stay warm. Evil twin is opening and closing the door over and over. I ask him to stop and he doesn't listen. Then, he pushes the door open too hard and starts falling out of the chick building. It was in slow motion, he falls to his knees and then starts rolling down the stairs and finally lands on his stomach. I thought "See, God's striking down on you kid!". He's mad and decides to pick out his chicks by their feet. He said out of the blue, "Your chickens are going to die." I know I shouldn't have said this but I couldn't control myself, "Yeah, I know, you probably will kill them." Have fun raising Jeffrey Dahmer Jr. Mom! I know, I shouldn't be so bad, I'm probably going to hell.

I sold them 15 chicks and made $30.00. I'd rather watch sparrows having sex and chill with toofless any day.


At 3:23 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

I agree with you totally. Some children are out of control and it makes me want to take off my belt and spank their parents.

A lady in my office brings her kids into work sometimes on those odd holidays when school is out but the real world is working. Her kids can be here all day, and not a peep comes out of them. They have great manners and are so well behaved. It makes me want to take her to lunch. I think she should write a book on child rearing. It probably wouldn't do any good, the parents that need it wouldn't read it anyway. Nice post!

At 3:46 PM, Blogger tarheeltri said...

I agree. Parents wait too late to teach their kids proper manners. They want to drop their kids off with baby sitters (or tolerate poor behavior because "they're just kids") while they go out for the first five years of the kids life, then expect that somehow the children will magically know how to act in certain situations when they are older. Not gonna happen.

Anyway, you can tell the kids learned disrespectful behavior from the parents since they were so late getting there!

At 8:00 PM, Blogger nancytoby said...

Definitely. Charge.

From a PhD Animal Scientist, who is also a mindless formerly independent ... Mom.

At 12:35 PM, Blogger Jill said...

I agree with Nancytoby - charge. You showed them around your farm, tolerated their rudeness and ill manners, and then she shows back up late with a camera!! And all you ended up with was 15 chicks sold for 30 bucks! Yes - charge.

At 11:31 PM, Blogger Jessica A. Freas "Freeze" said...

Did you know that there is a clever woman in this world that actually wrote a book and it's title is: "I Hate Everyone Elses Kids"! Yup! Don't remember the authors name, but it wasn't by any chance you or someone related to you? Joke! Sorry that you had to go through that, but yes! CHARGE! Especially for those that can't control their children and think that they can show up late to appointments b/c for some stupid reason, they think that the world revolves around them! NO WAY!

At 9:53 PM, Blogger bagpiper said...

that is Freakin' Funny !!! I'm dyin over here goat!You ARE Awesome!! and even if I do kick your ass in the swim. You will still be the WINNER in my eyes!

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