Friday, May 26, 2006

If I Had a Job in Sales, I'd Be a Raging Alcoholic

Thursday's are always crazy busy days for me. Labeling products, packing the van, sorting eggs and loading coolers. My day is "hurry mode" until 7:30pm. By the time I have my table and signs set up at market, I'm ready for a nap. The fun has just begun though, now I have to deal with customers.

I have been at this market for almost three years. You see a lot of the same faces and sometimes find loyal customers. There is this one old man, that looks like "Where's Waldo", I see him every week. He's a strange bird and has never spoke to me until this year. I had heard him being rude to "Mother", the grandma that sells her cookies and breads at market. He was bitching at her because all her peanut butter cookies were broken. He wanted perfect cookies. The next week, mother made peanut butter cookies and set aside a package for Waldo. When Waldo arrived, she called him over and showed him the bag of perfect cookies. Waldo said he didn't like peanut butter cookies, he just didn't think it was right for her to sell broken ones. I've never really seen mother angry before but she muttered, "old fag" under her breath. Waldo is gay but mother saying it made me laugh harder.

Waldo walked up to my table a few weeks ago. He asked me about my eggs, he wanted me to open the cooler so he could look at them. I'm proud of our eggs, we have dark brown, light brown, blue, green and white eggs. I even buy special clear cartons for them so people can see the colors. I charge $2.00 per dozen and you get 25 cents back if you return my carton. So, $1.75 for fresh, free range eggs is a steal in my opinion. I'm not making any profit if I factor in labor. Waldo looks at the eggs and says he'll buy a dozen. Then he asked if I sold half dozens so I opened the other cooler and take out a mini carton. "I don't want to buy a half dozen. I just wanted to know."The next week, Waldo comes back and wants another dozen eggs. I open the cooler and he starts digging through it. "I want the one with the least amount of white eggs." He finds a carton with one white egg, grumbles about it and pays me.

This week, I have been collecting Marans and Welsumer eggs for incubation. These breeds are my dark brown egg layers. So this week, the cartons had about 4 white eggs in them. Waldo opened up the cooler himself this time and start digging through the eggs. I bring sodas with me so I have something to drink while sitting in the 92 degree heat. He takes out my Diet Dr.Pepper's and puts them in the dirt. He keeps on taking out cartons of eggs and setting them on the ground. He finally exclaims "There are far too many white eggs this week! I can't buy them." I tell them that I'll trade his white eggs for brown ones because tomato man always buys two dozen eggs and doesn't care about egg color. He seems relieved. "I won't eat any white eggs because they make you sterile." I about laid an egg when he made that comment, I could hardly contain myself. Waldo is 68 years old and he's not into fertilizing female eggs. What did it matter if he's shooting blanks up some guys pooper shooter? Then I had a scary thought, what if he's a sperm donor? Some unsuspecting mother-to-be with give birth to some kid that will be OCD about perfect peanut butter cookies and white eggs.

Just so you know, there isn't any nutritional difference when it comes to egg color. It all about what the birds eat and access to the outdoors. Our white egg layers are called Exchequer Leghorns. The Leghorn roosters are smaller birds and are the horniest out of the bunch. They are quick, fast little rapists and can service 20 hens a day. I'm not telling Waldo though.


At 8:59 AM, Blogger Jill said...

Sitting at my desk laughing my ass off and trying not to make a scene!! Love the colorful vocab. I can totally envision the situation.

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Cagey said...

I'm with Jill on this one. You had me cracking up. I can totally picture you dealing with "Waldo." I think I would have felt the same way you did.

At 10:09 AM, Blogger nancytoby said...

Omigod, you crack me up. The sterile old fag sperm donor.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Papa Louie said...

I hope you are laughing at yourself too because you got us all laughing. I'm thinking if I come down to NC I've got to stop by the market to buy some eggs. I'm not picky but I'll stick with the white ones. Thanks for the eggcellent eggucation lesson.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger *jeanne* said...

Blue and green eggs?
We used to have hens when I was a kid in NJ, but the foxes got them so often that my Dad gave up. Our eggs were brown.

But I had no idea you could get hens eggs of blue or green! Of course, I don't imagine they are as bright as ROBIN'S eggs, but still...

I had a job in retail sales. HATED it. HATED. IT. H.A.T.E.D.

PS- your real name means 'mark of Satan"?? Now THAT is weird!

At 3:46 PM, Blogger Jessica A. Freas "Freeze" said...

Holy crap! I just peed in my shorts! I can't believe that about Waldo being so anal retentive about his eggs. I was like Cagey... I could picture it all in my head.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger DaisyDuc said...

Too funny!! I was used to only white eggs as that was all we had growing up on the farm and when people had other colors it threw me off at first. Now I could care less about what color.

Oh wacky Waldo is so lucky you are nice b/c he sounds like he would really exhaust some people's patience.

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