Love Lost

Sorrowful animal cries have been heard around the farm the last few days. It's pretty depressing especially since I'm around more because I've started to taper. All I have been hearing lately is Duchess running up and down the pasture crying, "Mmmuuuuaaaahhhh! Mmmmmuuuaaahhh!" and the Peaboys screaming, "HELP!HELP!"

It all started on Friday morning before I left for the race. The two male Pea's were crying their heads off. I didn't hear the Peahen calling back. If you have never heard a Peacock before, you wouldn't understand. Their calls sound like, "HELP! HELP!" It scares people when they first hear it, it's LOUD. They think a lady is getting stabbed or a cat is getting tortured. The Peaboy's came up on the deck that morning and continued to scream. They looked through the sliding glass door like they wanted me to come outside. I was trying to pack but they were really obnoxious. "HELP! HELP! HELP!" I went outside to investigate and found only these remaining feathers from Mrs. Peahen. During the night, a fox or bobcat must have come and taken her away. This white Peahen was Peabo's mate for over four years. This pair was hatched by me in 2002. I packed them up in a dog crate when we moved to this farm. (It was difficult too, Peacocks are strong!) I was waiting for her to lay this spring so I could incubate some of her eggs. I was going to let her set this year and hatch her own Peababies. But now she's gone, forever. All that's is left is the Peaboy's mournful cries for HELP! They stand where her remaining feathers are on the ground and display, waiting for her to come back.

On Sunday, I had to deliver twin, 5 month old billy goats to a family that wanted them for clearing brush. On the phone, they told me they had 6 acres fenced in and I thought this would be an ideal home. We loaded them up in the back of the Kia(a junk car we use for animal transportation)and bring them to their new home. Duchess, the powerhouse of my herd is their Mama. She always gives birth to big, healthy kids. Unfortunately, this year it was twins boys and they are getting horny. They had to leave the farm, I don't want any females goats bred right now. Duchess watched us load up her boys and cried and cried, "Muuuaaaaahhhh! Muuuaaaahhh!'

When we arrived, they had a small backyard fenced in with no shelter. The lady tells me that she's going to tie the boys out in the woods to clear the brush. I want to take them back home. My husband tries to tell me that this is better than selling them for meat. I don't know if I agree though. I think I'd rather have them killed quickly than have a hard life of suffering. I think about them being tied up. What happens if they get caught around a tree? What if they can't get to their water? What if a stray dog attacks them while they are tied up? The new owner paid me and I left with a heavy heart.

My heart felt like lead when I got home. Duchess has been searching the pasture and calling for her boys, "Muuuuuaaaahhhh! Muuuaaaaahhhhhh!" Certain times of the day are worse than others. Like, last night when I was outside grilling. She was pacing up and down the fence line looking for them. Maybe because it was getting late and she was ready to take them back to the barn for bedtime. She called and called for them with her mouth wide open, I could see her bottom teeth. When she sees me, she runs to the gate, the last place she saw her boys. She looks at me like she expects me to bring them back. Animals know love and loss. I wish they could understand me. I wish I could explain to the Peaboy's and Duchess their loved ones won't be coming back and I'm sorry. I hurt for them too.

I wanted to call the twins' new owner and see if they are doing okay. I should wait a few days though. I know they are probably confused and miss their Mama too. Farming is more difficult than any race I've done so far. I feel so out of control some times. I know that nobody will care for the animals like I would. It makes me sad. True loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.