Thursday, June 08, 2006

Taking Off the Rose Colored Glasses

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

I've decided to quit some bad habits that I feel have gotten out of control. It's been four days. I'm fine during the day but in the evening, when the clocks strikes party hour, I don't know what to do with myself. I've been working out in the soap shed more, going to the gym in the evenings and eating dinner earlier. I'm feeling pretty good physically but sometimes people can annoy the fuck out of me.

I've come to realize humans can become addicted to lots of things- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, porn, shopping, blogging. I guess what I need to figure out is why I felt like I needed these vices to make me happy every night. Honestly, I think they were my escape. They made my problems, fears and feelings go away for a few hours. I guess it's a problem with "dealing with reality". Since my rose colored glasses have been off, I see things and others' motives a lot more clearly. I notice the little things, good and bad. Like yesterday, when I was stretching after my run, I watched these ants carrying little bread crumbs. Sounds dumb, I know. I think my brain was so foggy I didn't notice the little things about life for awhile.

Not everything is a fun and simple as watching the ants though. I am feeling a lot more. Sometimes, I feel really angry with people that have hurt me. I didn't feel any hurt during party hours and I never said anything, I'd just listen and take it. If it was especially hurtful, I'd just do more partying to make it go away. Now, it's all out on the table and I'll have it deal with it. I have market today and I won't have party time after dealing with customers. Good lord, Waldo better not be a dildo-head or I may shove an egg up his ass. He'd probably enjoy it though. I just don't have the patience for whiney, unhappy, grouchy souls right now.

My husband has been helpful, taking me out to dinner and listening to me spew out my feelings about life. I have felt closer to him in the last few days. It's not just bad feelings that I was shutting down but all feelings. I know this a good decision, it will just take some time for me to adjust to a new routine. I know I've been more productive. I have be consuming less junk food at night. Who knows, it may help me become a better athlete. Well, it's time to milk the goats and notice the perfectly round the goat poop in the bright green grass.


At 9:05 AM, Blogger Miss Jenny said...

What an honest, thoughtful entry. I love reading your thoughts and I'm proud of you for facing the difficult things that are so easy to run away from. You are amazing!

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Stillwater Heron said...

It is sooo hard to change the things that have become second nature to our daily rounds and that includes all sorts of habits, good or bad, including junk food.
Feeling shitty is, well, just shitty....
But I do know from a life time of having it happen to me, this uncomfortable time will pass like high tide.
May you find treasure along the shore line of your soul when it does.....

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Don said...

I am very proud of you honey! You truly are a remarkable person...and I am so glad that you are a part of my life...I will always be there for matter what!! I love you...thank you for being such a wonderful and amazing wife....

At 3:59 PM, Blogger nancytoby said...

So all this angst just from weaning yourself off the porn? YOU CAN DO IT!!

And does Don always talk like that? Do you ever just want to slap the shit out of him? I'm just askin'....


At 4:02 PM, Blogger nancytoby said...

And oh yeah, if Waldo wears the dildo hat, PLEASE take pictures.

At 8:45 PM, Blogger Jessica A. Freas "Freeze" said...

Michelle, I am so proud of you! I know that life in general is not easy, but I know you well enough to know that your life is an exception. Your life (in comparison to mine b/c my life is the only one that I can really compare it to) has dished you out some pretty shitty things and you know what? You wouldn't be normal if you weren't feeling certain things. Does that make sense? When one is mad, angry, pissed off, or whatever, we have a choice - either deal with it or run away from it (but knowing in the back of your head that it is still there). It is the HARDEST thing; to stop and face your fears and to evaluate things in your life (past and present). I truly want you to know that I am praying for you and I am so proud of you. Oh, and I like that comment about becoming a better athlete! Holy shit? Can you get any better than you already are? ELITE DIVISION - YOU BETTER GET READY! I love you Michelle. Please know that I love having you as a friend. You mean a lot to me.

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