The Dumbest Things I'll Ever Say

To help you laugh your way into the weekend, I'll tell you three short stories.

1. When I was 20, my husband and I were driving to South Carolina. I saw a big, round sign off I-95.

I said, "Honey, what is googaas? Is it some infant and toddler store or something? Like goo-goo-gaa-gaa's?"

My husband could barely contain himself. "You mean Go-Gas?? That would be a gas station sweetie!"

2. Again, my husband and I were in the car. This time driving 1-95 north, going to DC. (I'm going to blame car rides for my lack of brain cells. ) There was an accident, maybe three cars. It was a very bad wreck, one car was crushed. The police, ambulance and fire fighters were at the scene. As we were driving by, I saw a fire fighter with a big piece of equipment.

"Oh NO! Someone really must be hurt honey! That fire fighter has to use the claws of death!"

My observation almost made my husband crash our car. He was laughing so hard, he was crying and couldn't see the road. I didn't know what was so funny until he caught his breath.

"That fireman is holding the Jaws of Life not the Claws of Death!"


I think my name for those giant metal scissors is better. If a fireman ever has to use those things to get me out of a car, I know I just escaped death.

3. One summer afternoon, when I was 14, my sister and I were looking at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. We were judging all the hot babes, rating them on our scale. I held up a picture of a beautiful, blonde girl on a beach wearing a silver bikini. I crowned her queen of that edition.

My sister asked, "What's her name? She is very pretty, I think I've seen her on TV before."

I searched the page for her name. "Ummmmm, uhhhhhhhh... I think she's Swiss or something. Her name looks foreign. It says her name is Ookla Freshman."

"What?? No beautiful woman wouldn't have that type of name! She'd change it." My sister snatched the magazine out of my hands to check.

"You are such a fucking retard! It says UCLA freshman!"

I never could live that one down. After that, anytime I ever said something smart-assed to my sister, she'd just say "Whatever, Oookla!" to put me in my place.

The scary thing is, I only have blonde highlights. No telling what I'd say if I was all blonde!

How about sharing the Tri love? Stop by to wish

Miss Jenny

good luck on her very first triathlon this weekend. It's her first open water swim and I'm sending her some good Mojo! Go baby, go go!