Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Italian Stallion

When I was a sophomore in highschool, I started dating a senior that my mom called "the Italian stallion." His name was Joey, not Buttafuco but his last name was very Italian too. Let's pretend it was Tetrazzini, Joey Tetrazzini.

My Dad hated Joey, he wouldn't speak to him. Part of the reason was he looked like a grown man. He was dark, earthy and hairy. He had a full chest rug at 18 and a 5 o'clock shadow. My Dad said he would try to put fast moves on me. I was only allowed to see him in my house when my parents were home. I could never ride with him in his hot car. He had an early 80's Camero with big, slick rear tires. I could hear him coming from a half mile away. My Dad hated his car as much as Joey. I was forbidden to ever ride in his car.


My parents also had another rule. Since they both worked full time, I was not allowed to have anyone in the house after school until they arrived home. I was allowed to sit on the front porch with my friends while I was home alone but they couldn't come in. Joey and I sat on the porch together for the first few weeks but it got boring. I knew my parents schedule and could expect them to arrive home at 5:10pm. After a month of porch sitting it started getting cold, I decided to break the rules.

Everything was great the first few weeks. Joey would drive me home in his muscle car, we'd get a snack and make out in the basement for a half hour. My Dad was right, Joey was a horn dog but I wasn't ready to go "all the way". He asked many times but I always said "No". He respected me and the worst deed we did was dry humping. He also gave me a hickey but I was smart enough to wear turtle necks for a week, my Dad never knew. I'd always make sure to watch the clock and to get out of the house by 5:00pm. When my parents pulled up, we'd be at the assigned station, the front porch.

I begged my Dad for months to let me go out on a date with Joey. He made me feel like a baby. All of my other friends were allowed to date on Friday nights. One Friday, Joey asked my Dad if he could take me to Olive Garden for dinner, a group of friends were going together. My dad said "no" without even looking him in the eye. He just kept reading his newspaper.

An hour later, the biggest dork in the neighborhood that mowed our lawn asked my Dad if he could take me out to dinner. My Dad comes running inside with a big grin on his face.

"Hey, I changed my mind you can go out on a date tonight."

I thought I was hearing things. I was jumping with joy! Me and Joey out alone, like a real couple.
"What? You finally are letting me go out with Joey? Thanks so much, Dad! I'll call him now, he'll be so happy you've changed your mind about him."

"Not so fast, not Joey. Rama is a nice young man. He asked to take you out tonight. I think it's a great idea. Where are you taking her, Rama?"

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Rama was standing there with huge smile on his face that revealed all the leftover lunch in his braces. My Dad was standing beside him chuckling. I wanted to kill him.

I survived the date night from hell. The next Friday, Joey and I were eating our pre-make out snack around 4:15pm. It was leftover Domino's pizza, we were sitting at the kitchen table. I thought I heard the garage door open but I had over an hour before my parents were supposed to arrive. Before I could check, the door flew open.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? YOU KNOW THE RULES! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!" My Dad yelled at Joey.

I about choked to death on my pizza. I had never heard my Dad yell like that my entire life, he was a calm man. I'd never seen him in such a rage. While he was yelling he was approaching Joey. I thought he was going to hit him. I was scared shitless, I couldn't move. My Mom comes flying in the door after my Dad.

I remember Joey running out the front door quickly with my Dad on his ass. My Dad didn't say much to me except, "You are grounded for two weeks."

My Mom kept going on and on about it and how she was scared. She said when they pulled up in the driveway, my Dad saw his car. He didn't see us on the porch though.

"Where is she? She knows the rules, she better not be inside with him!"

Mom said he was in such a frenzy, he almost drove the Mercedes through the garage. He didn't put the car into park before jumping out and running in the house. Mom quickly put the car into park.

"Good thing you were eating pizza and not down in the basement getting all hot and heavy."

Yeah Mom, that wouldn't have been a good scene, would it? I still get nervous thinking about if they have arrived twenty minutes later and caught us dry humping. My Dad would have probably gone to jail and it would have been all my hormonal fault.

23 Comments:

At 3:12 PM, Blogger nancytoby said...

Omigod. Dry humping. LOL!!

You have such a way with words, Mojo!

You need to write a book. Seriously!!!

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Flatman said...

Now that I am a dad, I can relate so much better to your dad...

When I was 18, I could relate to Joey.. :)

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Bolder said...

i was in the chess club.

can not relate at all.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

Oh Mojo - you were so good! I wonder if your parents ever figured that out.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger E-Speed said...

you have the greatest stories! My dad caught me making out in the driveway once past curfew and I have never seen a teenage boy so scared in my life. And my dad is this real quite type, I though he was going to kill the kid! Now its a fun memory, then I was mortified!

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Robin said...

HA! Bolder was in the chess club. I was on the debate team in college, but I still had my share of dry humping etc.......

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Chris said...

I'm with Nancy. You should write a book with all these stories in them. It would be a New York Best Seller item for sure. Hilarious! :)

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your story tossed me back 30 years. I was "Joey", had a 78 Trans Am and Fathers that hated me. Guess I never knew why back then. I now have 3 teeanager daughters. Turnabout is fair? I'm not liking it.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Swordfish said...

What ever happened to Joey T ?

Poor guy probably switched teams after that experience LOL!

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Dori said...

I like the stories you share.

Sophomore year was when I stopped being a good girl. I'm the oldest of three girls, and Dad was pretty protective. One time a guy came over on his motorcycle and I wasn't allowed to ride on the back. The reason? "Only whores ride motorcycles." No problem, I went in the car with his friend and hopped on the back of the bike a few blocks away. :-)

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Kim said...

HILARIOUS! (by the way, DHing (dry-humping) is one of my favorite pasttimes..my friends and i joke about it)... what is it about high school dry-humping in basements?! ah, those were some good years! whatever happened with you and joey?!

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Kim said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
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