Friday, August 18, 2006

Random Friday Funny's

I've been too serious lately. I've decided to lighten things up with some random funny things I've seen or done in life.

1) When my Mom farts while sitting, she has to lift one of her butt cheeks off the seat. It has to be mental thing. Maybe she thinks the gas will escape better if she helps it. Since she always does this ass cheek lift while farting seated, we all know what is coming. My sister's and I would always scream, "God, Mom! Could you fart somewhere else?"

One day, when I was eight, we were driving home in our Volvo. My Mom had picked my sisters and I up from school after playing golf- in a skirt. (remember the skirt part) She does her fart positioning, then starts screaming. The next thing I know we are swerving off the road. My sisters are yelling at Mom, "What are you doing? You are going to wreck the car! Drive on the road!"

We came to a skidding stop off the road. Half of the car was in the gravel, half in the grass. My Mom is almost crying. She jumps out of the car and pulls her skirt up and exposes her underwear. Now, my sisters are really freaking out. "Get in the car! The whole world can see your underwear! Why are you acting so crazy?"

When she finally calms down, she explains that a bee flew up her skirt while in fart position. It stung her ass three times. She wasn't storytelling either! When we got home, she pulled down her underwear to prove it to my sisters. I counted three, red, ass welts.

Warning!! Guys may not want to read this one, it's worse than the Myrtle Beach sanitary napkin story.

I went away to a church camp for two weeks when I was 13. Some days were spend trail hiking in WV, then swimming little creeks and waterfalls. My period came while at camp. I had always worn pads and was really bummed about about not being able to go swimming that day. One of my friends told me about tampons, she acted like they were God's gift to women. Now I know that they actually are but at 13, they really seemed scary. Stick that where?

Hiking wearing a pad equals diaper rash. The swim after the hike was my favorite part so I embraced the challenge and asked my friend for her "junior lite" tampon. On a mission, I headed to the bathroom.

She told me to just stick it in and push on the smaller part. I listened to her directions and felt very uncomfortable. I tried pull my underwear back on and thought,"I can't hike this way. I can't even sit down. I will be a pad princess forever!"

I had been in the bathroom for over five minutes and my friends came to check on me. She called outside my stall,

"Are you okay? Did you put it in?"

"Yeah but I can't walk or sit down. I don't think tampons are for me. How do I get it out? "

"Did you did what I told you? Push on the little thing?"

"Yeah, I did but the plastic is sticking out. It's hard and uncomfortable."

Silence.
.
.
.
.

"Are you still in here with me? What do I do? I'm not walking around with plastic hanging out of me!" I called out.

"You are telling me the plastic is still inside? You have got to pull out the applicator after you push it in! Oh my God! I can't believe you are that clueless!"

Jesus, forgive me for not studying the Tampax Tampon instructional insert!
__________________________________________

50-min. run

Same Back and Bicep workout as Monday's. I did add

12x15lb concentration curls for more bicep burn.

23 Comments:

At 4:27 PM, Blogger Flatman said...

..........

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

I can't believe your mother farted with such abandon. I only fart under deep cover, myself. Never in earshot of another unless I just can't help it. Anyhow, guess those bee stings were payback for her even THINKING of farting in a closed car. Bad form!

Thanks for the Friday Funnies. Will this be a regular feature? I hope so.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Papa Louie said...

Hard lesson to learn about RMA (read the manual a$$)before you fix or put something into use.

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger Bolder said...

*blink*

how are those 7:30 min/miles coming?

*blink*

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

Honesty and grossness make for the best stories! Thanks for sharing.

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger E-Speed said...

I think I learned about tampons out west because I wanted to swim in the hot springs. ahh to be clueless again ;)

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger Jill said...

Funny!!

I remember our PE instructor telling us that if we were on our periods during swim lessons not to worry about it - our body would stop the flow while we were in the water. Guess she got tired of the girls using the excuse "I'm on my period!!"

I believed that story for the longest time, until one day when....

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger your said...

phentermine nice :)

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Dori said...

Funny stories. Thanks for the laff.

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Miss Jenny said...

Hee! Your mother will be horrified if she reads this. I love it!

 
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