Finding Myself

The dreary black uniform for waitressing wasn't so bad after all. I even had people compliment me. The restaurant owner said she loved my pants and I thought black pants were just boring old black pants. My training went well, they offered me six night shifts for next week. Waitressing on the main floor, banquets and hostessing. I filled out another job application before I went to training for daytime waitressing. This owner was very excited too, I go back Friday. I'm surprised how easy it was to get a job. I doubted myself, that I was competent enough to get hired. I'll get more into that in a minute.

Therapy didn't go as well. The therapist didn't bullshit around and said that at this time, we cannot get marriage counseling. It would be more helpful if we got therapy individually because right now, our goals are not the same. I did learn a bit about myself and take responsibility for my personal issues that hurt my marriage. The therapist told me I have lost my autonomy. Autonomy is the inherent drive for self-determination, self-actualization and self-fulfillment. Movement from dependency to autonomy is inherently a dynamic of self-actualization, self-determination and self-efficacy. I have nobody to blame but myself. People have told me I am so strong and I may be strong in some ways. I guess I started telling and doing things I thought people wanted to me to say and do. I kind of lost myself.

This didn't happen overnight, some of it probably goes back to childhood. Without the emotional nourishment from warm feelings from parents, a person's emotional system is not fed and is not strong enough to feel good about being independent. Suppressed negative feelings tie up a great deal of energy which might otherwise be used for growth. The release of frustrations or the resolution of conflict allow the ego to be free to grow. Unresolved emotional hurts are probably the greatest road block to developing the proper amount of autonomy.

I will not go into how I lost autonomy in my marriage specifically. I am moving out today though. The therapist did say that this could possibly make our relationship better. The reason being that I am taking steps to bring back my autonomy. I am making the moves to become independent, I will start believing in myself. Last night, when I was driving home from work, I actually felt a little proud. I know I'll have a hard road ahead of me but each journey must begin with a single step.