Thursday, January 25, 2007

Finding Myself

The dreary black uniform for waitressing wasn't so bad after all. I even had people compliment me. The restaurant owner said she loved my pants and I thought black pants were just boring old black pants. My training went well, they offered me six night shifts for next week. Waitressing on the main floor, banquets and hostessing. I filled out another job application before I went to training for daytime waitressing. This owner was very excited too, I go back Friday. I'm surprised how easy it was to get a job. I doubted myself, that I was competent enough to get hired. I'll get more into that in a minute.

Therapy didn't go as well. The therapist didn't bullshit around and said that at this time, we cannot get marriage counseling. It would be more helpful if we got therapy individually because right now, our goals are not the same. I did learn a bit about myself and take responsibility for my personal issues that hurt my marriage. The therapist told me I have lost my autonomy. Autonomy is the inherent drive for self-determination, self-actualization and self-fulfillment. Movement from dependency to autonomy is inherently a dynamic of self-actualization, self-determination and self-efficacy. I have nobody to blame but myself. People have told me I am so strong and I may be strong in some ways. I guess I started telling and doing things I thought people wanted to me to say and do. I kind of lost myself.

This didn't happen overnight, some of it probably goes back to childhood. Without the emotional nourishment from warm feelings from parents, a person's emotional system is not fed and is not strong enough to feel good about being independent. Suppressed negative feelings tie up a great deal of energy which might otherwise be used for growth. The release of frustrations or the resolution of conflict allow the ego to be free to grow. Unresolved emotional hurts are probably the greatest road block to developing the proper amount of autonomy.

I will not go into how I lost autonomy in my marriage specifically. I am moving out today though. The therapist did say that this could possibly make our relationship better. The reason being that I am taking steps to bring back my autonomy. I am making the moves to become independent, I will start believing in myself. Last night, when I was driving home from work, I actually felt a little proud. I know I'll have a hard road ahead of me but each journey must begin with a single step.


At 8:46 AM, Blogger E-Speed said...

I think working on yourself first is a good thing. Once you get to a place where you are happy it is much easier to figure out if you can be happy with someone else and vice versa.

I hope the waitressing job goes well. I was a horrible waitress. I spilled someones spaghetti all over the floor and always spilled coffe all over the little saucers. Clumsy as charged :)

At 9:03 AM, Blogger nancytoby said...

Whew, lots of changes happening fast!! Big hug for you! Hang in there and just don't make any permanent decisions too quickly! Everything takes time....

At 12:26 PM, Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

I have complete faith in you Mojo! You are strong and smart and capable and you will get yourself back and then you can make decisions on your marriage from a stong, centered place.

I'm sure there will be bumps in the road but it sounds like an exciting journey.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

We are our own worst critic. We doubt ourselves when others can plainly see our strengths and abilities. Loving yourself is important before we can truly love and connect with another. I am glad that you will be working on finding yourself.

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Jill said...

I am so sorry to read about all the sad stuff going on in your life right now. I can only hope that you end up a complete and happy woman after all is said and done

You are a remarkable and talented woman, and don't you forget it!

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Siren said...

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.

One of the things that draws me back to your blog is that I think of you as a strong, amazing woman and I admire your accomplishments. I'm sure you'll be able to find your way through this, no matter how things turn out.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Farquar said...

I'm so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I know you will find yourself. You are extremely talented and creative. I have always been amazed at you and your accomplishments. I remember your first triathlon. I remember the feeling I had when you crossed the finish line..such pride. You are my beloved. You always will be. Whatever may happen to us, I will always wish for you the best. I may not be able to hold you in my arms as I want to , but I will always hold you in my heart...forever.

At 12:02 AM, Blogger Robin said...

It sounds like a good start, Mojo. Good for you. Keep moving in that direction. And, unlike E-Speed, I LOVED waitressing. Absolutely loved it. Have fun with it.

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