Hardest Week Ever

I had a wonderful time in Puerto Rico but my heart is so heavy now, it's hard to believe I left paradise last Friday. I'll cut to the chase, my marriage is in real trouble. I spent the morning filling out job applications and looking at places to rent. I cannot tell you exactly when things started to go wrong in our relationship. It just has been many small things that built up and were never dealt with, our mole hills turned into a raging volcano.

It's almost as if someone has died. In reality, maybe our marriage did die. It's so hard to say goodbye to everything we have built and created together during the last ten years. It's even harder to say goodbye to our future plans and dreams. I cannot continue to live in unhappiness though, I know my husband isn't happy either and he deserves better. We cannot communicate without arguing. I feel like we just struggle, two live wires that create friction. I'm tired of fighting, I just need some peace.

We are still good friends, we still have a love and respect for one another. The past three nights, we have been able to talk about how we have hurt each other and the mistakes we have made. We are able to cry and hug each other for comfort. I do not want that to change, I want to leave on a positive note. We have had many good times, I want to remember those too.

Tomorrow, I turn thirty and I will see a marriage counselor with Don. Not the way I envisioned my 30th birthday. I know that life is full of surprises though, I shouldn't expect anything. I probably will be moved out by the end of the week. This is one of the hardest parts, packing up my clothes and toiletries. There is such a finality to it. I want Don to stay here, I couldn't support the farm and I don't want to have to move the Dobermans when they are so old. We'll probably sell the goaties, I already took Falcor to the bike shop to be sold.

I have to admit that I am scared. I have depended on Don for so many years, I will have to learn to take care of myself. I'm a survivor though and I know deep down I will be okay. I wanted to say good-bye to my loyal bloggers wouldn't worry. I'll try to check in and hope everyone has a great season! Run-bike-swim hard!

Love is like grass. If you fall on it, it may leave a stain and some temporary pain. But you'll get over the pain, it will eventually stop hurting. Now maybe the stain ruined your favorite pair of jeans, or maybe it was nothing special that was ruined, but either way the stain remains there. And with time it will begin to fade, but it will always be there, a permanent reminder that you, too, once fell.