Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hardest Week Ever

I had a wonderful time in Puerto Rico but my heart is so heavy now, it's hard to believe I left paradise last Friday. I'll cut to the chase, my marriage is in real trouble. I spent the morning filling out job applications and looking at places to rent. I cannot tell you exactly when things started to go wrong in our relationship. It just has been many small things that built up and were never dealt with, our mole hills turned into a raging volcano.

It's almost as if someone has died. In reality, maybe our marriage did die. It's so hard to say goodbye to everything we have built and created together during the last ten years. It's even harder to say goodbye to our future plans and dreams. I cannot continue to live in unhappiness though, I know my husband isn't happy either and he deserves better. We cannot communicate without arguing. I feel like we just struggle, two live wires that create friction. I'm tired of fighting, I just need some peace.

We are still good friends, we still have a love and respect for one another. The past three nights, we have been able to talk about how we have hurt each other and the mistakes we have made. We are able to cry and hug each other for comfort. I do not want that to change, I want to leave on a positive note. We have had many good times, I want to remember those too.

Tomorrow, I turn thirty and I will see a marriage counselor with Don. Not the way I envisioned my 30th birthday. I know that life is full of surprises though, I shouldn't expect anything. I probably will be moved out by the end of the week. This is one of the hardest parts, packing up my clothes and toiletries. There is such a finality to it. I want Don to stay here, I couldn't support the farm and I don't want to have to move the Dobermans when they are so old. We'll probably sell the goaties, I already took Falcor to the bike shop to be sold.

I have to admit that I am scared. I have depended on Don for so many years, I will have to learn to take care of myself. I'm a survivor though and I know deep down I will be okay. I wanted to say good-bye to my loyal bloggers wouldn't worry. I'll try to check in and hope everyone has a great season! Run-bike-swim hard!

Love is like grass. If you fall on it, it may leave a stain and some temporary pain. But you'll get over the pain, it will eventually stop hurting. Now maybe the stain ruined your favorite pair of jeans, or maybe it was nothing special that was ruined, but either way the stain remains there. And with time it will begin to fade, but it will always be there, a permanent reminder that you, too, once fell.

26 Comments:

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Mike said...

Wow !

I can't believe what I just read. I thought things were going well with you and Don.
The road ahead is going to be tough, so keep the faith and hang in there.
You know how to reach if you need anything.....

BIG HUG-

Mike

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Papa Louie said...

Mojo, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope the marriage counselor has some words of advice to possibly slow down your decision to move out so soon. I'm no counselor but I do communicate to God through prayer and feel since marriage has been ordained by God, He possibly can give you a sense of peace in all that you do.
And love is eternal.

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger Papa Louie said...

Mojo, I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. I hope the counselor may have words of advice to slow down your decision on moving out this weekend.
I'm no counselor but I do communicate to God through prayer and feel since marriage is ordained by God, He can give you a sense of peace if you share all your thoughts with Him.
And love is eternal.

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger finn said...

i'm so sorry, mojo. what a tough decision, for both of you. selling your goats must break your heart. i don't even know you but i wish i could give you a big hug right now.

i hope that you can hold onto enough perspective to acknowledge that this too shall pass. remember the joy in the small things you blogged about a couple weeks ago? it's still there, somewhere.

wishing you both, and all your animals, the best, and awaiting your return if/when you do.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Bolder said...

i'm glad to hear you are going to see a marriage counsellor.

my thoughts are with you.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Flatman said...

Mojo,

I am truly hoping that the counseling will help. If you two care so deeply about each other, maybe it isn't really over. Of course, we have no idea looking in from the outside, but please try to make it work out. This is so sad for you two. I have read what you have written about your marriage and feel that you really love each other.

Whatever happens, I am thinking of you and praying for you guys!

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Brett said...

My thought are with you during this tough time. Hang in there! You seem like a very strong person, so no doubt you will handle this well. Take care,

Brett

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger E-Speed said...

Oh girl. I hope you are able to work things out. It seems that you and your husband have so much love for each other. I hope the counseling goes well. Sometimes just having an outsider there to moderate things can help a lot.

Whatever happens I know you will be fine. You are so tough and amazing.

My thoughts are with you.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

oh man.... so sad for you. I hope the counsellor is helpful and that you can have some kind of a decent 30th birthday.

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

I am shocked and saddened for you. I agree with the others that from what you have written about Don it seemed that you two were in love. I hope the counseling helps to rekindle that. If not, do what is best for you. We will be here if you need to vent. Take care sweetie.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger nancytoby said...

I'm so very very sorry. My heart hurts for you. You've worked so hard.

Please know if you ever want to come up a little ways north for a break and a breather - mi casa es su casa.

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Julia said...

I hope the counseler helps Mojo, whatever direction your relationship goes. I'll be sending love to you from this side of the world.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Stillwater Heron said...

I'm sorry to hear about the rough road your walking right now.
Relationships are like like the seasons. Spring, summer, fall, winter. Each in turn serves a purpose. Each carries it's own special blessings and after the hardest winter, spring always returns..
Keep talking, go for walks, and let time work it's magic. Spring is just around the corner.
Big hugs to you both.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Fe-lady said...

I haven't been to your site in awhile and I have to say I got choked up reading about all you are going thru. Reminds me of my 30s and some heavy changes that happened then. How great it is tho that you two can still talk, hug and cry with each other.
Best of luck in everything that is coming your way. It will be bumpy for sure, but eventually will smooth out to where you can relax a little...

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Miss Jenny said...

{{{{{{{giant hugs to you from me}}}}}}}

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger Robin said...

Wow. Catching up on all my reading and I am shocked. Glad to hear so are going to counselling. I hope it helps with whatever the end result is. My thoughts are with you.

 
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